We have all had one on a date and anyone who says no is lying. It’s not always us, sometimes they come from the other person and, although they don’t always become a ‘red flag’ that forces us to get up and leave, the truth is that there are others that are worthy of note. I talk about the ‘earth, swallow me’, those uncomfortable situations in a appointment – not necessarily in the first one, but when you still don’t have trust with the other person – that at that moment the only thing they generate in us is the desire to run away or, directly, disappear instantly like a lump of cocoa in milk.
In the summer, Marcos (30) wanted the earth to open up, when he started in the wrong direction: “We were at a party with some friends and I was flirting with one of the guys there. The fooling around was very obvious, but the friend with who I was told me that the other I was very married and there he had nothing to do. And I, like the other one, was alone, I continued with the fooling around, Come on, I’ll hit you. That’s where the thing stayed and at the next party where we met, the mess continued, and that’s when I found out that my friend, the one who had accompanied me and listened to everything, was his partner. And went my ‘earth, swallow me’ moment: “What outrageous thing would I have said in front of this person without knowing that the other was his partner?”
The body screams (and warns)
But not everything depends on the clumsiness, luck or context. Sometimes our body also screams at us, no matter how much we want a date. Daniela, 32 years old, usually has quite a few throughout the month, almost all of them from flirting applications. She tells us one from last year’s end: “I’m not allergic neither intolerantbut cheese it gives me lots of gases. The worst thing is that I love it, so I only deprive myself when I’m going to be with more people, but on that third date with a boy I was loving, we actually asked for a Cheeseboard as a starter. I wore a dress quite stuck and I saw how the belly was widening. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with him that night, but he asked me and I really wanted to, so I didn’t think about me. stomach problem when it comes to saying yes.
“It was the second time we went to bed and slept in the same bed, so we had hardly any confidence. I spent the whole night squeezing my stomach so that not a single gas would escape. That was unbearable to endure. Result? I didn’t sleep at all. nothing all night. Still, something slipped out. He woke up in the early morning and asked me if I was okay and I told him I was just ‘up late’. I’ve never wanted the alarm to go off so much so I could get out of a mess. room and go to work or anywhere outdoors and desert…”.
Naturalness, key to succeeding
These are things that happen, right? And that’s what makes us different from each other, the way we deal with these scenarios. According to Nria Jorba, psychologist who is an expert in relationships, the key is in the naturalness: “One of the mistakes we make in this type of situations is to pretend nothing has happened. If he farted, we look away, if he let out a burp, we pretend we didn’t hear it. This avoidance is not necessary nor is it healthy to the extreme, there are people who mock excessively and end up making the other person feel bad by putting them in an uncomfortable situation. What we have to do is normalize it. Laugh as it happened, comment. “It can happen to all of us.”
But sometimes the above is impossible, because the truth is that there is no time. María (35) says it with a laugh from Santander: “I finally dared to talk to my platonic love from university in a legendary bar where we always met up with old colleagues. We were already older, so I took the plunge. I waited for so long and I Such a creep comes in that I have to go home at full speed. He chased me saying: ‘Where are you going?’ and me shouting, without looking back ‘I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving’.”
Rigo also had to run away in the middle of the Covid upon finding out she might be infected in the middle of a date: “He lives with his mother and be very careful choosing the people whom you see, in full wave of infections. I was unemployed and the truth is that I didn’t see many people either, so I agreed to let us meet. In middle of the quote, My sister called me to tell me that she and my brother-in-law had tested positive. So I had to be honest with tremendous urgency, after the stress that he had told me that he had, and confess to him that I had to go because she had been with them the day before. It was super uncomfortable, he was super tense… He accompanied me to the pharmacy and I put on the mask, what was I going to do? “We never saw each other again.”
We keep lying, even though they continually catch us
There will always be bloopers, but we still want to take risks. Or rather, things happen to us. According to a study by GlobalWebIndex, 91 million users use dating applications, of which 62% are men and 38% women. According to the aforementioned study, the latter are more distrustful when it comes to having a blind date for fear that it will become a dangerous encounter either uncomfortable.
The truth is that, once there, these situations can trigger instant smoke bombs, like the one Adriana (38) did a few years ago, when she discovered that the person she had been talking to for weeks had nothing to do with the person. who showed up for the appointment: “Not only did it have nothing to do with it, but suffer from dwarfism. I have nothing against about that, but in the photos… I don’t know if he climbed into places that made him look taller, but he looked at least six feet tall. And it was something he wanted to be seen. I’m not a tall person, but that left me in shockwhat less than To be honest And then everyone decides? I was waiting for him in Plaza del Sol and when he greeted me I thought he was a person who wanted to ask me about a location or sell me something. My face was a poem when she showed up, but the truth is that he should have been upset for lying to me.”
54% of people who use dating apps have given and/or shown a improved version of himself to the other person to get a date. And, according to research published by Ok Cupid, Men usually add five centimeters in height on this type of platforms, which confirms the disenchantment of Adriana’s story… Although in her case they did not stop at five.
When you become the date’s loudmouth
It’s the first meeting since you first spoke through the dating app almost a month ago. You are expectant, nervous perhaps, you want to show that you are someone interesting to know, so you appear confident throughout the conversation. The other asks you a myth: “Have you met many people through the app?” And Cristina, who had been emotionally exhausted for weeks, answered as best she could: “I had had a previous failed date – after a few others – where, after half an hour of talking without much feeling, the boy confessed to me that that same week He had been diagnosed with cancer. I got out of there as best I could. Apart from the fact that I wasn’t liking it, I didn’t understand the confession.” So when Mario, her new date, asked Cristina how her last encounters had been, she told him that anecdote and added, now laughing: “It’s as if You tell me now, with how well we are, that your mother died last week. It wouldn’t make sense. “His face changed” and I understood that the boy had just buried his mother. “Even my vision was blurred, I just wanted to get out of there.”
Matas (33), who is a regular on Grindr, was clear that it was not him who was ruining his British date: “I met a boy at some wineries in Plaza de Conde Duque, in Madrid. He was a British man who had come to Madrid with an English teacher program. It was late July or early August, in the disgusting heat of Madrid. I always use a fan, for me it is a supernatural accessory to carry in my bag at that time. We were in the wineries and It was hot as hell, so I I took out the fan and I started to breathe. Then he asked me: “What are you doing, why do you have a fan?” I told him that I was hot and that he wasn’t aware that we were in Madrid. He answered: “But isn’t the fan for women?” I see you so effeminate using it…” We were talking and clearly it had not been a match, I cannot imagine having to justify the use of an object that has been created to combat the heat and on top of that in the middle of August in Madrid, regardless of who uses it. So ‘ciao'”. And thank goodness, really. Surely he remembered that fan in the rest of the Madrid summers.
In this sense, Jorba also alludes to the difference between a puntual error that becomes an anecdote and a full-fledged red flag that we do not have to put up with, nor minimize: “Imagine that the other person makes an unpleasant comment to us or has an inappropriate attitude with a waiter, for example, and that makes us think: ‘Earth, swallow me.’ person really fits us. In consultation I see couples that come after a few years and they complain about things to which they did not give importance the first day, but they were already on the table. There are times when we want to meet someone or start a relationship, when they meet one of the conditions we are looking for, we relativize the rest, and that is also a mistake. Because it is giving us valuable information”.
In short, if it falls into our canons, whatever they may be, laughter will always be our best weapon, because it leaves the other without a response. And if there is no way to fit it, the exit door is always closer than it seems.